June 15

For reasons that are hard to explain, this was my hardest visit ever with Audrey. I had looked forward to a visit from the music therapist, but she didn't show during my visit that day. It was pouring and nasty outside, Audrey had both a nurse and an NP I had never met before (and more importantly were unfamiliar with Audrey), she had a terrible rash on her face from the tape adhesive, (a skin sensitivity she obviously shares with me and my mother, but today it was particularly bad,) and it was just a tough day-- Audrey obviously wasn't feeling good and yet there was nothing documentably "wrong" with her. She looked pale, and was fussier than usual. When I tried non-nutritive feeding, before we really began she spontaneously started gagging and sputtering, with lots of white saliva coming out of her mouth. I calmed her and we suctioned her out. It was so unsettling, so I just held her for skin to skin time for a while, then requested to talk with the Nurse Practitioner. I tried to explain my feeling to the NP that she just wasn't feeling well, told her the things that were worrying me, and as we talked I just got the sense that I was being patronized; a well meaning person was trying to calm my worries while believing themselves that they were unfounded. She basically told me they were doing everything they can, and to try not to worry. But a couple of the things she said were things I knew otherwise, which reinforced the feeling that I was leaving my baby with strangers. I cried all the way home.

I love this photo of her! Abracadabra hands! The only sad thing is her little cheek has a rash from the tape that held her Replogle on that side the day before. Audrey and I share a sensitivity to bandaid adhesive.