It's much better now, but ever since the surgery my anxiety has kinda been on overdrive. It's been incredibly hard for me to leave her side to eat, shower, anything, and until she could eat I never ate or drank in front of her. When I did finally take a break in the late afternoon for "brealunner", I struggled to decide on what I wanted for food, and the break often stretched into two hours, until I could no longer handle the guilty sensation in my gut. One of the first things I did to help ease my anxiety after we moved from the ICU this past week was to teach Audrey how to use the red "nurse call" button. I explained to her that if I wasn't available and she needed help getting up to use the restroom, or if something was hurting or she needed help of any kind, she should push the button and help would come. I had her practice it a couple times while I was in the room--the first time, she was too shy to answer when the voice talked to her through the speaker, so I took care of it. I had her practice again the next night while we snuggled--she pressed it, and when they said "Can I help you?" Audrey said "Yes please." (Pause, as they processed the fact that the 4 year old was calling them herself. Then came the voice again,) "What do you need, sweetheart?" And in her most grown up voice she said, "My tummy hurts." So they brought her medicine. The sweet confident smile she gave me in that moment when she realized she'd solved the problem herself totally melted my heart. Late that night around 11, after being "nice pajama party mommy" for way too long and letting her stay up to watch "just one more cartoon" until I was finally just DONE, I got her settled for bedtime, turned off the TV despite her protestations, tucked her in, lights out, and ducked into the bathroom to put on my pajamas. A minute later through the bathroom door I could hear the nurse talking to her. Opened the door and the nurse said she'd called and said "My mommy turned off the television and I want it back on."
Flash forward to today. When I asked her last night if she was OK with me leaving to go to church this morning, she shook her head and reached for me sweetly and I knew I couldn't bear to go. We played in the playroom this morning, snuggled and watched cartoons, and celebrated the 4th birthday of our cute roommate who was discharged today. I tried to get Audrey to eat, and although she asked for food and enjoyed her tiny bites she didn't really eat more than about three tablespoons worth--but she went to absolute TOWN on orange juice and put away an unbelievable 12 ounces. Tried to get her to come outside again, but she felt tired and settled in to cartoons again so I asked her if she'd be fine if I went to get lunch and visit the garden without her. She smiled warmly and said yes, I confirmed that she knew what to do to ask for help for anything she needs, she hugged me good bye and then I got busy doing something on my phone for a few minutes beside her while she watched her show. Suddenly she looked up and said, "I thought you were going to the garden. Go!" And she pushed me firmly out of the bed with her feet.
Oh my funny, wise, exasperating and precious pint-sized dictator, I love you.
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| Moonrise over Boston from the 10E hospital playroom windows. |
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